BONUS: Terrible Food, Pizza Edition

Okay. Lemme start off by admitting this: as a working woman, I am periodically driven by desperation to eat something other than organic rainbows and the pearlescent farts of celebrities for lunch. Sometimes, my lunch item has to be stuck in the Box of Horror, known to the less enlightened and economically ungifted among us as ‘the microwave’. Sometimes, I don’t HAVE fifteen minutes in the morning to pack a salad in a goddamn mason jar. Sometimes, I care less about whether what I’m eating is raw, vegan, and full of the proper vitamins and more about ohmiGAWD I’m hungry, PLEASE vast world of comestibles provide me with something I can cram in my flabby maw.

This, I suppose, is how we wound up in possession of this particular item:


“Oh, shit,” you say, turning your head sideways to follow the Piza-like leaning of the toppings. “What IS that?”

The answer, my dear, is DEFINITELY not pizza. We shall, in fact, ITEMIZE the ways in which this particular pizzoid object has disappointed me.

1) Veggie pizza is simple, right? Crust, veggies, cheese, and sauce. I ask you where in this equation–WHERE, dammit–is the nameless brown sludge located on the top of VitaPizza. Nowhere in the ingredient list did I find ‘semiliquid shit on a shingle’. Nor ‘sinus infection rhinoceros snot’. Nor–and this was my last hope– ‘Taco Tuesday afterwards, on Thursday.’

Instead, there is a frightening claim to ‘meatless pepperoni’. “Oh,” you say, understanding in one phrase what it took me a taste to assimilate. “So, basically, the contents of Hitler’s chamberpot.”

2) The ‘crust’. I see you, cardboard. You aren’t fooling me.

3) See those three black dots, located roughly at the VitaPissoff epicentre? Those are the mushrooms. I repeat: THOSE. ARE MUSHROOMS.

And you though mushrooms were roughly hemispherical in shape. Pffft. Did you also think they tasted like something? Silly rabbit.

I honestly would have rather mixed ground glass and sawdust up with a shot of Everclear. At least then I would’ve been drinking. However, the image of bright and cheerful veggie pizza (along, yes, with the promise of ‘only 220 calories!’) on the box swayed me. I don’t have high expectations of microwave pizza–this ain’t my first rodeo–but this failed to meet even my ‘something I can gnaw on to keep from starving’ standards.

Dammit, Vitalicious. Your VitaTops are all right. Those I can get behind. This mess…this…Faustian deal with the devil. I’ll only be getting behind it if I have a loaded shotgun and I can pass it off as self defense.

2 thoughts on “BONUS: Terrible Food, Pizza Edition

  1. Aaaah the unending fight for us Americans to find good meat-free foods. I’ve told six people. Six. I’m making split pea soup. Every single person asked, “Don’t you put ham or bacon or hamburger or something in that?” Nope. You put peas. In water. After you cut every pea in half. Just kidding.

    I do more than that with my soup. I season like a samurai (alliteration), so it comes out simply perfect. Every time. But yeah. I had a raw foodist girlfriend once. She then turned into a vegan because Midwest. Finding food was nearly impossible for her. And the frozen “gluten free/meat free” section of the grocery store is a joke. Anything frozen is a joke, really, but somehow meatless adds a ten gallon hat to a tiny monkey clanging cymbals.

    So many mystery dinners chewed without looking at the stuff.

    BUT GOD SO MANY AMAZING HOMEMADE MEALS. She was a culinary powerhouse. Then we split. It was sad.

    I have type 2 D’beetus, so I get a lot more freedom when eating and drinking. Alcohol, particularly, though not much. First time I tried to get drunk I wondered why I was throwing up after five beers. Yep. D’beetus.

    1. I have to confess, after many years as a vegetarian I’ve started eating meat again. I know, I know. It’s entirely economically and ecologically unsustainable. But someone gave me a streudel with sausage in it (I know, right? Who the fuck puts sausage in a streudel?) And, well. Not proud.

      I do still try to eat meatless most of the time. Like I said, meat the way we produce it just isn’t a good longterm plan. People don’t understand that things can be seasoned and tasty WITHOUT meat, which is insane to me. What about onions and garlic? Herbs. SPICES. If you really want a bacon flavor to something, a little smoked sea salt is half the battle.

      The ‘Vegetarian’ section in my closest grocery store would be better labeled ‘Ass, With Side of Cardboard’. I almost took a Sharpie to it today, after the VitaPissoff incident. Then, realizing you probably can’t publish a novel from prison, I desisted.

      Type II sucks. I’ll tell you, it’s actually MORE limiting in some ways than Type I–if I want a few extra carbs, and I’m smart about it, I can take insulin to cover them. If I want a beer–well, not that I should be drinking at all. But if I do, I can take insulin and pray to Cheezus Crackerus Christ that my blood sugar doesn’t crash during the night.

      Not that I’m an alcoholic.

      Er. Not much of one.

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