Recipe: Six Hour Southern Cabbage

Image @quaddle on deviantart. Ruined by me. Satan watches you making cabbage.

I happen to have a little extra time today. So, as promised, here’s my Southern Six Hour Cabbage.

Beforehand, a note. If you are looking for delightfully crisp, healthy, still-green leaf vegetable, turn your attention elsewhere. If, however, you want salty, spicy, mash-between-your-teeth pot likkery COMFORT, then this cabbage is for you.

That guy I live with (known henceforth as Definitely Not Dave, or DND for short) would probably wish me to inform you of its restorative properties, as well as its near-volcanic effects on the digestive system. Again: if you don’t mind farting like a wet sneaker on linoleum for the next few hours, this delicious cabbage is the no-longer-quite-so-green meanie for you. If you’re having your mother-in-law over for dinner, perhaps stick to steaming.

Alternatively: serve it anyway, and set your phone on record. Depends on whether or not you like her.

Anyway, Southern Six Hour Cabbage.

You’ll need:

Big ol’ pot
Roughly 2Q to 1G water (consider, if you will, the size of your cabbage. The water needs to cover it by an inch or so.)
1 head cabbage
1 med. sweet onion
5 large cloves garlic (seem like a lot to you? Take your garlic-pansy ass over to some other cabbage recipe. I usually do seven.)
1/4 c apple cider vinegar (adjust to taste)
1 tsp celery seed, or 1-2 sticks celery
1 tsp bacon salt (alternatively: 1 ham hock + 1 tsp salt, or 1-2 cubes ham bouillon)
1 T vinegar based hot sauce (Louisiana, Texas Pete, etc.)
More salt, if you for some reason still need it

Chop onions, garlic. Saute onions in bottom of your soup pot for 5 minutes or so over medium heat, or until transparent. Add garlic, continue to saute for 30 seconds. Usually, I add in my celery/celery seeds at this point. It doesn’t really matter, because everything is going to be cooking until the remains of your ancestors are gas in someone’s hovercraft tank.

Chop your cabbage and add it. Stir, so things don’t get all layered and shit. This isn’t a parfait.

Add water, enough to cover the cabbage by about an inch. Now bring things to a boil.

Add in your vinegar and hot sauce. You could probably do this at any point in the watery life of this recipe, but hell, I’m superstitious, and I think Satan watches you when you boil vinegar.

Reduce to simmer (usually two or three setting on my crappo apartment stove). Cover with pot lid or whatever’s handy, because you always lose the lids and you can’t for the LIFE of you figure out how, seeing as they never move from your kitchen.

And COOK. Oh sweet Jesus, COOK. Cook while you prepare the rest of your dinner. Maybe get a head start on the cabbage by an hour and THEN cook the rest of your dinner. Stir occasionally, more or less whenever you remember. The point of this is, you want to cook the cabbage over low heat for as long as you’ve got until they turn the power off on you. Hence, six hour cabbage.

Just keep an eye on the water and make sure it’s covering the cabbage and you’ll be fine. Beyond that, cook until the last gasp of hydrogen in our beautiful sun makes the transition to helium.

Serve, with warning label as to gaseous nature of cabbage. Enjoy your delicious mushy vegetable.

A note: I sometimes add in like a fistful of hot pepper flakes, mostly because I enjoy seeing people cry. Also, this could totally be done in a crock pot. High for four hours, I’d say. Resulting cabbage would be loved so tender it could never wear pants again.

4 thoughts on “Recipe: Six Hour Southern Cabbage

  1. My favorite part of this is the fact you posted it under Food, Recipe, and Satan. I love cabbage. I mostly love cabbage in Kimchee, but I tend to be all worldly and shit, having never visited out of the US (or the Midwest, really). The cabbage I’ve had around here tends to be really tasteless. Everyone complains about the smell, then it has no flavor.

    I’ll have to try this out.

  2. I go for all the important tags. And, short of God, it doesn’t get much more punchy than the Adversary himself.

    I’m a big kimchee fan as well–I can quite literally eat it by the jarful (tough to find fresh around here). Tasteless cabbage is such a shame: even by itself, raw, it’s a delicious peppery fresh vegetable. Definitely Not Dave likes to chop it very finely, wash it, salt it, and refrigerate it for 10-15 minutes until it’s cold salty cabbage heaven. I, being Southern, like to boil the shit out of it in tasty sauces.

    Either way, we’rea pro-cabbage household.

    1. ^ And for anyone who wasn’t sure about this, there’s my mom! HI MOM! Mom is very cool, because Mom reads this blog. Mom is also very brave, for much the same reason.

      And no, you didn’t teach me to cook cabbage this way, but I’ve got Parental Unit II, aka Dad, as well, and he does his collards in about the same way. Actually, I think he’s the one who told me about putting celery in the cabbage.

      Don’t get me wrong, most vegetables SHOULD be refreshingly crunchy. But when something’s southern-style, I totally expect it to fall limply off my fork before it reaches the event horizon that is my mouth. I expect that vegetable to shy away from human contact like an abused puppy. And this one does. Oh lord yes, it does. And it is vinegary. And hot saucey. And good.

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